Does my girlfriend’s cat hate me?

Yes, he does. Don’t be deceived by all the cute videos you see on the Internet – cats are soulless, godless, unrelenting sociopaths who will stop at nothing to gratify their own  meaningless wants and desires.

Nothing.

But when there’s a woman involved you love and care about, you have to make peace with the little bastard. This is easier said than done, because most cats would push Mother Teresa in front of a New York City subway train if it meant they got fed 12 seconds sooner. So, knowing what you’re up against, here’s a short, handy guide to diagnosing and remedying a girlfriend’s cat that hates you:

Note: You will lose.

Symptom: He often claws your skin into a bloody pulp

Does he hate you? Yes.

Here’s a scenario: You’re sitting on the sofa, watching an episode of The Middle, minding your own business like a normal freaking person, when, with no provocation, he slices your forearm from elbow to wrist with one of his talon-like, Cobra-from-G.I.-Joe-weapon claws. You’re bleeding and swearing and trying to explain that this is no way your fault. The cat? Under the bed, playing with his secret stash of string.

Solution: Considering you’re up against an animal who instinctually kills out of boredom, you can’t take his desire to maim your flesh too personally. Instead, try administering a near-overdose level of catnip, rendering him confused and powerless. Seriously, have you ever seen a cat on this stuff? It’s like an opium den in the 19th century. It’s pathetic. It’s like Al Pacino during the worst parts of Scarface. Turn him into the apartment’s Lindsey Lohan with a heapin’ helping of the green stuff and enjoy the three to four minutes of peace.

Symptom: He stares at you unblinkingly from across the room with a cold look that says, “who the f*** do you think you are?”

Does he hate you? Yes.

Cats are like Sonny Liston — they’re in your head before the fight even begins. So long before the claws ever come out, you might see your girlfriend’s cat sizing you up and preparing for battle. It’s unnerving, especially when you’re trying to catch up with all the quirky misadventures the Heck family is having on that episode of The Middle you missed when you were trying to Spray ‘n Wash blood out of your girlfriend’s $3,000 modernist sofa.

Solution: Stare right back in his eyes and let ‘em know you ain’t scared. This is all day, baby. This is all day. Eventually, he’ll get bored and chase a piece of dust.

Symptom: He hisses at you. All the time. For no reason.

Does he hate you? Yes.

Here’s something people don’t tell you about cats — they walk around hissing and howling and puking like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. It’s really irritating. Their life consists of meals and naps between the moments they aren’t hacking up a lung.

Solution: Treats! Keep them on you at all times. If you want to win this battle, you’re going to have to exploit the only advantage you have against this little monster — his insatiable appetite. These freaks can’t stop themselves from eating, so your job is to fatten him up like Hansel and Gretel. By the time you’re done, this cat should be so fat Hollywood agents start offering him the roles Jonah Hill used to get. He should be so fat they make a reality show about him. Don’t stop at plump. Go all the way to fat. Trust me. It’s the only way.

Darren White is a Web content specialist and writer. He had a cat when he was a kid.